formulaic

formulaic

& so another poet
took the word
& arranged it
upon the page

exactly
where
i intended
to place it

up on the page

the title
i wanted to use

forgiveness

so i forgive him
& move on

& attempt to write about letting go
of bad habits of the best laid plans
of waiting all week for a phonecall
of being satisfied by little more
of want & of need & of have & received
of those who don’t desire change
of those who don’t grow
of expectations that will remain unmet
of doubting who & what i know

all attempts i eventually delete
all attempts considered
to be
too formulaic

so my thematic equation
remains unsolved
the variables never change
the patterns stay the same

i am still x
he is still 0
there is still no answer for y

i wanted to use
forgiveness

so i could forgive him
& move on

but the title was already taken

it has already been said
& continues to remain
unheard
even now
as it is read.

i am thankful

i am thankful

(that i am home)

i am thankful for the light & shadows
splayed across the dusty blinds
for the ever changing art installation
as i look outside

i am thankful for the wind
even when i don’t feel it
how its movement
becomes more visible
when i am still

i am thankful for the fig trees in my garden
how they have roots in this soil & bear fruit
& even though i have not eaten the figs yet
how delicious the anticipation is of saying
yet

i am thankful there is no silence as long as there are grackles & doves
& for the squirrels & their sideways glances & furtive dashes
how they can spend an entire day going to & fro

i am thankful for spider webs those delicate traps
how home is where you make it & always temporary
& if accidentally broken then reconstructed
somewhere else (perhaps close)
in time

i am thankful for this time this time that i have not expected
that i assumed would be filled but that is not unaccounted
like the digital clocks on the microwave or the stereo
constantly telling but often reset

i am thankful for no tv
for the escapism that is
just solitude
again

i am thankful for my fridge
though often empty
a magnetic canvas
of happenstance poetry

i am thankful for my stove
how the flame has never failed me
& for the teapot that whistles now
only occasionally

i am thankful for the bed that is
wider than my hips
& longer than my sleep
for the layers of meaning
attached to each

i am thankful for the sticks & stones
that have been collected & not thrown
for the seashells that lie beached
in this room i call my own

i am thankful for how oceanic
i try to keep my arrangements
all of them
in constant
ebb & flow

i am thankful for the sudden force of the shower
the torrent of emotion that only water clearly enunciates
& for the shower itself how it drenches me in memories
of waterfalls of monsoons of lovers
left behind

i am thankful for the bathtub filled
with my body & its residue
how it empties slowly
but not without leaving a mark

i am thankful for a closet full
for hangers draped in softness
of unburdened touches
i can cover myself with
a myriad of colors
even when i am feeling
just blue

i am thankful for the whirring of the computer
for the electricity for the current
it keeps me connected
so that even when static
i am connected to you.

touching base

with all of you & wrinkling my brow at the fact that it has been over a month of being back "home." sometimes i forget that i was ever gone because life seems to have simply picked up again right where i left off. almost eerily so. but then i see someone i haven't seen in a long time & they look surprised & scream hello! & we jump up & down & hug & do a lil jig & i realize that i must have been gone for some time...
anyways, here i am in your mailbox just to let you know that i am thinking of you again. as i do. often. i hope y'all are all content & full of laughter & not forgetting.
i also hope the bazillion photos i've sent have given you a sense of where i've been/where i'm at in a way my words just couldn't...
still. i've been staring at the computer screen altogether too much these days. looking for all kinds of stuff...i suppose it's the price i must pay to get sorted.
although i think i have certainly been "productive" since i've been back stateside.
* reconnected with my family & friends again
* been to crawford to witness/support the cindy sheehan protest against the war in iraq
* bought my first fuel efficient car (a very ishlike honda civic)
* found two part-time teaching gigs (teaching ESL two nights a week with AISD & teaching poetry to lil ones through http://www.badgerdog.org/) and will be substitute teaching until i can find a "real" full time full benefits job
*moved into a cute lil bachelorette casita in my old hood
(email me for my address)
please visit soon or at the very least send me a postcard!
* acquired a cellphone (email me for my number!)
& if you want me to call you & talk your ear off i have *free* minutes after 7 my time
so i shall happily oblige ya with stories & more til late into the night...
i'm on borrrowed computer time so forgive me if i haven't sent y'all personal responses to your emails but this is just a quick note to say hello again & thank you to all of you who helped me find exactly what i needed to move on. & essentially, that's all of you.

do keep in touch. y'all mean soo much to me.

love
ish

mcleod to texas via zen route

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mumbai to mcleod via scenic route photos

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my family in dahod photos

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wow. this photo archival project takes up a lot of time. but seeing all the faces & landscapes again makes me glow inside. hope y'all are enjoying them too.

fotos from my last days at manav sadhna

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photos from kutch

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new photos of old

now that i'm home & can sit in front of the computer waiting for images to download...you can see where i've been since april!

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